For the record: I love the internet. I hate Facebook, could live without Pinterest, and have never gotten that into YouTube, but I adore Twitter, the blog world, and the endless possible destinations that the internet offers to people with short attention spans and naturally curious dispositions.
The other day I was hanging out in my living room with Gretchen and Colin after watching a couple of episodes of Modern Family (um, my new favorite show, by the way), and Gretchen showed me the coupon from our weekly ValPak for breast augmentation and/or a Brazilian butt lift.
“Why is it ‘Brazilian’?” she wondered, eyeing the close-up image of a healthy bedunkadunk.
“Yeah…is that supposed to be like an ethnic stereotype or something?” I wondered, but before I could finish the sentence Gretchen was already on the Wikipedia page for Brazilian butt lifts.
Thus goes our internet wanderings for the evening:
Brazilian butt lift
They use your own fat for a natural lift! Popularized by J. Lo. No one seems to know why it’s called “Brazilian,”– not even Brazilians.
J. Lo may be ambiguously ethnic but I’m pretty sure she’s not Brazilian. Also–DAMN, GIRL!
Again, why the fuck is it “Brazilian”? We know (thanks to Wikipedia, not personal experience) that this style of wax is “of the labia and para-anal area”–so does “Brazilian” somehow connote “ass”? And sidenote: wouldn’t it be weird if it were your job to give people Brazilian waxes? My friend Caitlyn works at a salon and she is the only, um, certified waxist or whatever, so she is literally a professional asshole-waxer. Never a dull moment, I’m sure.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
This one was a pretty far leap in the train of thought, but doesn’t this movie look so idiotically badass?
What do you think Lincoln would think of this? He’d probably be like, “Dude…seriously? I freed the slaves.”
The Lincoln Memorial
Supposedly, one side of the monument’s face is “nice Abe” and the other side is “angry Abe.” I don’t see it, but whatever. Did you guys know he had Marfan syndrome and that’s why he was so tall?
Dude, who carved that? And where is it, anyway? Montana? North Dakota? (Answers: Gutzon and Lincoln Borglum [who?], South Dakota) Dude, imagine if there were a statue of a modern day president…who would it be? George W.? Clinton? Yikes…
That movie embodied everything I ever wanted for myself as a child. Your own theme park, a McDonald’s, AND a butler?! Hell yes.
And inevitably, Richie Rich led to the following Wikipedia trail:
Macauly Culkin > Rory Culkin > Kieran Culkin
By the way, Kieran is the cutest, Rory looks like Tommy Wiseau, and I can’t shake the suspicion that real-life Macauly is a lot like his character in Party Monster.
Also by the way, this kid…
not a Culkin.
So this is why I never blog– because I’m too busy sitting around in my pajamas eating Girl Scout cookies and having riveting conversations like the one that accompanied this profound session of internet stumbling.
I still don’t know why they call it “Brazilian.”