things I hate about being a girl, vol. 2

I absolutely loathe public restrooms. I know that’s kind of a given, because it’s not like anyone actually likes them, but I think I’m bothered by them in a more extreme way than most people. Sometimes, they actually infuriate me, either because of the idiotic design of the restroom itself or because of the repugnant lack of hygiene and common decency of the women who use them.

For example: have you ever been in a bathroom where there was a sign posted on the inside of the door that said “Please be courteous and FLUSH!!!!!!!” or “Do not flush pads or tampons!!!!” What the fuck? These signs are such a waste of time because anyone who is disgusting enough to not flush isn’t going to read that sign and be like, “oh, maybe I shouldn’t leave my shit here for a stranger to stumble upon.”

And listen, ladies: don’t flush your pad or your tampon down the toilet. Just don’t. Why is it so hard for girls to understand that these items are not designed to be flushed down a toilet? Granted, I think there are some newer, eco-friendly products that can be flushed, but anything that is made out of plastic is not supposed to go down the toilet, and I’m guessing it’s not a good idea to flush a pad that is designed to ABSORB water, not DISSOLVE in it. It’s common sense. Every women’s restroom in the history of ever has a container where you’re supposed to dispose these items. USE IT!

Also: I understand that people are all paranoid about germs and catching a disease from a toilet seat or whatever. But if it really bothers you that much for your upper thights to touch a seat that someone else’s upper thighs have also touched, then use toilet paper and cover the seat before you sit down. But for the love of god, please do NOT squat and hover over the toilet while you are peeing, because chances are that your piss is going to spray all over the seat, which is way more fucking unsanitary than if you had just put your butt on it. I highly doubt that I am going to catch a disease from sitting on a surface that someone else’s butt and upper thighs have touched, but I MIGHT catch something from sitting in a puddle of someone else’s piss. For the sake of those of us who are not yoga zen masters and can’t squat at a right angle while relieving ourselves, please just sit your stupid ass down, quit being paranoid, and keep the damn seat dry like you have some sense of decency.

Another thing that aggravates me beyond words is when public restrooms have poorly designed sinks, like where the sink is so small that you can barely fit your hand under the faucet without touching it or the sides of the sink. That’s just gross. The last thing I want to do when I’m forced to use a Wal-mart bathroom is to touch the inside of the sink while I’m trying desperately to sanitize my hands. That sounds like a good way to catch a disease.

I understand that companies try to utilize newer designs in order to save water and energy and crap like that, but there is no reason to have “chic” faux marble fixtures or a weird sink-trough where everyone’s bathroom germs all conglomerate together into the same drain. And a motion-activated faucet isn’t more sanitary if I can’t fit my hand under it, or if it doesn’t fucking work properly. What the hell was so wrong with regular old sinks?

I hate you, Wal-mart.

One of the worst bathrooms I’ve ever used in my entire life is the bathroom at “the club” in Springfield. The door doesn’t have a lock and is too far away from the toilet for you to hold it shut while you’re peeing, so you have to bring an accomplice to bar the door unless you want to risk being busted in on, like I was one time during my sophomore year at Witt. It must have been a slower bar night because there actually wasn’t a line for the bathroom for once, so I snuck in by myself, hoping to get in and out quickly before anyone else could waltz in. No such luck though. A girl who I didn’t recognize hurried in and closed the door behind her.

“Sorry!” she said when she noticed me on the toilet. “Do you mind if I come in here?”

I think I must have said “I don’t give a fuck,” because she was already in there, staring at me while I was sitting on the pot, so what did it really matter at that point? I was drunk and it wasn’t the first time a stranger had seen me peeing at the bar.

But then, two of her friends busted in and gasped when they saw my deer-in-the-headlights look. “Sorry!” they squealed.

“It’s fine!” the first girl assured them. “She don’t give a fuck!”

“Aww yeah!!” the other girls said, and then they started dancing next to me in their high heels and singing, “she don’t give a fuck! she don’t give a fuck!” while I stared at them in shock.

Maybe it’d be easier if I were as immodest about my body and its functions as guys are, but as it stands, sometimes I really hate being a girl.

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4 thoughts on “things I hate about being a girl, vol. 2

  1. Pingback: December Sponsors! | eef etc

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