I have bushy eyebrows, okay? I can’t help it. I inherited them from my mother, who had a thin cheerleader body and long, straight, pretty, awesome 70s hair when she was younger, so the eyebrows weren’t as much of an eyesore on her as they were on me when I was a chubby, awkward, tomboyish teenager, when she and my friends convinced me that I should get them waxed. Do you know how much getting your eyebrows waxed sucks? A lady lays you back in a salon chair and chats your ear off while she uses a popsicle stick to smooth wax onto the undesirable hair. The wax is all warm and soothing, which lulls you into a false sense of security, and the lady is talkative as fuck, which distracts you from the fact that half of your eyebrow is about to be ripped out of your face, and then BAM! It’s like ripping off a bandaid only, you know, half your fucking eyebrow comes with it. And I don’t know if my skin is just extra sensitive or something, but the skin where the hair has been forcefully removed always turns bright red for like three days, and then it sort of breaks out in these tiny pimples, and then it gets really dry and flaky, and then it finally goes back to normal, but by that time the hair has grown back and I have to start the stupid cycle all over again.
I get really self-conscious about my splotchy face for the couple days after I get the ‘brows waxed, because I’m pretty sure it’s always extremely noticeable. Some people have told me that they can’t even tell (thanks girlfriends, forever attempting to set my womanly fears at ease) but on several occasions I’ve had embarrassing (albeit semi-hilarious) attention drawn to it by my male friends.
One time in high school my friend NSS1 was like, “dude, what’s wrong with your face?” and I was like “dude, I got my eyebrows waxed, shut up.” And he was like “oh.” Then he kind of smirked in that way where you’re trying not to laugh at someone directly in their face, and I made a grimace in that way where you feel like a dumbass even though you haven’t done anything to make you feel so. And there was an awkward pause before everyone resumed whatever conversation we were having. Then, a little while later, since NSS1 was obviously still distracted by my splotchiness, he sort of interrupted me mid-sentence to press his cold pop can against my forehead. “I feel like I need to soothe it for you!” he said as I smacked the can away from my head. “Fuck you!” I said, and everyone laughed.
Another time, I was hanging out with my friend Blum after I had been facially wax-raped, and he kept giving me weird looks until I was finally like, “what?” and he was like “…is there a reason why your face is red where your unibrow would be if you had one?” So I responded, without embarrassment and without even thinking, “yeah, I just got my eyebrows waxed. But I don’t have a unibrow!” He had burst out laughing before I could finish the sentence, and I couldn’t help but laugh too, because unibrows are funny.
But seriously, it sucks that the shape of my eyebrows is entirely dependent on the handiwork of some chatterbox hairstylist who has, in the past, given me a legit mullet in addition to almost ripping my eyebrow ring out of my head while combing my hair on more than one occasion. I don’t let her cut my hair anymore, but she is a nice woman and I like her, and I usually trust her for my eyebrow waxing needs, except that the last time she made them way too thin, and I feel like a cartoon character with pencil-drawn eyebrows or something.
And have you ever stopped to think about how incredibly weird eyebrows are, anyway? They’re little patches of hair randomly situated in the middle of your face. I mean, I guess their situation probably isn’t random, because I’m sure there’s some sort of evolutionary purpose they serve or some shit, like keeping the sweat out of our eyes or whatever, but they’re still fucking weird. How come some people have INSANE eyebrows like this guy from Breaking Bad, and other people almost have no eyebrows at all?
And whose idea was it to start waxing off the excess hair in order to shape the perfect eyebrow, anyway? I mean I’ll admit that my eyebrows kind of look like caterpillars when I don’t wax them, and I prefer the toned down, better groomed version of them, but why does it even matter?
Ugh. Sometimes I really hate being a girl.
Picture snagged from here.