the plan is no plan

It’s finally fall, for real I think. That’s not to say that there won’t still be some 80 degree days in the future of 2010, but for now at least, it’s cold. It seems like it hasn’t been that long since I shoved all my winter clothes into a box in the top of my closet, and now I’m already being forced to drag them back out because my toes are frozen and I need the fuzzy socks.

Lately, I have been getting really panicky under the surface about the fact that I have no concrete plan for what in the fuck I’m doing with my life. I’m always going back and forth about acknowleding this panic. Two weeks ago, I was like, “yeah! I like my job! it’s easy, and the people are nice, and the fact that I don’t have to stress about it or even put that much thought into the work means that I have plenty of energy to do other things I want to do like write and volunteer and travel!” which, to an extent, is true. But then last week I worked two 12-hour days in a row and I was like, “fuck this! my back is killing me! my eyes are about to fall out of my head! this job is BORING as shit and I need to actually put my degree to use and more importantly, MAKE MORE MONEY so I can GET A LIFE!”

And then I went to Indianapolis to visit two of my best friends and I got really fucking jealous of them because they are living the life. It really inspired me to get off my ass and at least figure out some possible options for where I’d like to be in a year from now. But then, I came back to Ohio, and the weather turned gray and cold and rainy and I forgot what it felt like to be inspired or motivated because I’ve just been spending a lot of time wearing sweatpants and trying not to find too many correlations between my life and Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity (my most recent Half Price purchase).

But in all seriousness, this past weekend’s trip made me feel overwhelmingly better about the constant below-the-surface panic of having no plan. Because seeing that my friends can find good jobs and awesome apartments in a cool city where they have cool friends reminds me that eventually, things will work out for me too. Right now is the shitty part, but there’s a light at the end of every tunnel, right? And even if I’m not nuts about my current location or my current job, or the current state of affairs in my life in general, I can still escape to spend time with good friends and disappear back into a world where the bullshit just doesn’t matter. That’s probably the best thing about Lamar and Amy – that they’re just so chill, and fun, and that whenever I’m with them I enjoy myself and I find it impossible to worry about things because well, I have friends like them, so what more could I really need? Like when we were all sitting on the ledge in the courtyard of their apartment complex on Saturday night, wearing jeans and sweatshirts and passing a flask of Maker’s Mark back and forth to keep warm, and wishing that the sun hadn’t gone down so quickly so we could keep playing ladder ball, I just felt content. It was one of those moments where you just look around and you think, this is it. This is the life.

Since this weekend will be the first weekend in the past month that I haven’t gone out of town, I’ll hopefully be spending some time trying to get my shit together – applying for jobs and stuff like that. But most likely I will instead spend most of the weekend playing with Caitlyn’s new kitten, drinking caramel high rises at Caribou while listening to the new Jimmy Eat World album, and tinkering with my blog. When I’m not being overwhelmed by the panic regarding the blank slate of my future, I realize that I’m okay with not having a plan. I kind of like the idea of having no plan, actually, because it gives me more freedom to do something crazy with my life on a whim. Not that I’ll do that, but at least I know that if I want to I can, and I also know that until I come up with any concrete goals, I’m for the most part enjoying flying by the seat of my pants. It’s up and down, at least, which is better than just being down.

And speaking of tinkering with the blog, I want to go ahead and do the “toot my own horn” thing and say thank you to everyone who has actually been reading this thing. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it, mostly from close friends, but also from some complete strangers via my profile on 20something bloggers, a cool website that I found through this blog, which is “just gay enough” and which I thoroughly enjoy reading. I haven’t really explored 20something bloggers that much yet, because frankly it’s kind of overwhelming, and I’m still not sure how I feel about the idea of strangers reading my “feelings blog,” as Trey calls this thing. He is too cool for a feelings blog so instead he writes on a fashion blog, which instead of being just gay enough is maybe a bit too gay…but, you know, without actually being gay. Arguably, writing a feelings blog is pretty gay too though, and it is true that every girl is crazy about a sharp dressed man. So, to each their own, or something.

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